Unspoken Agony of Call

During the next week or so, you may see social media posts from me celebrating a huge milestone in my life: Ordination in the United Methodist Church. I hope you will be inspired and affirmed to take risks, be adventurous, and embrace change to respond faithfully to whatever God is calling you. Over the years, I’ve shared highlights and successes along my journey.

But don’t be fooled. Like many of you, it is hard for me to share the snot, scabs, and mess of my life. It is important to me that you know my journey of following God’s call, out of a successful and lucrative career, into a vocation of pastoral ministry, has had as much sweat and tears as smiles and peace, and as much stumbling and crawling as leaping and dancing. I’ve even found myself in the fetal position a few times. I grieved missing my nieces and nephews growing up because my seminary and ministry schedule didn’t allow for weekend family gatherings. I cried over friendships that, unurtured, drifted apart. I repeatedly felt like a bad mother for missing special moments and school functions while away at seminary. I was crushed by the fear and anxiety of not being approved at every step of this Ordination process. I was stretched thin as thread, unable to please everyone, and almost quit. I was pressed by tension and strain at home as my husband and I struggled to make finances and schedules work. I have known the raw pain of being left out (few people want a pastor around during social time). I staggered nerve-frayed and gasping into restorative retreats of solitude and silence. Generously poured over this cocktail of despair, was ever present shadow of doubt and niggling feelings of worthlessness, not-good-enough, less-than, I-can’t-do-it. Not served neat and stirred, but shaken and disturbed.

The treasure of this trove of emotional oddities is the truth of God’s promise to see us through, to make good out of our messes, and to be made strong in our weakness. This is the pearl that I get to share. Take it with you; you will need it for your own journey.

Now. Let’s celebrate!

2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

Philippians 4: 12-13 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation . . . . I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

1 Peter 5: 10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.